Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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