Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
