We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How's work?
Spinning.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
