i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
