Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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