There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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