I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
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how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.