if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
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I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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