someone owes me an orgasm
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I supernannyed him into submission
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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