nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
