is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
