I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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