He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
