apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
