The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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