We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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