Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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