i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
