Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
