she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
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You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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