Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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