My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
