Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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