I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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