just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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