I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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