DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
