This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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