yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
