My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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