I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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