Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
