went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
