how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
