Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
