Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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