I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
