girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
