:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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