I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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