...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
