have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
