i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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