Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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