I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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