saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
