as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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