He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
