It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize