im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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