Just fell off a train. Bad.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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