Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
soo... how was my night?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
