dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
